gone!

This xanga page is...not going to be updated from here on out!  I have officially switched blog hosts.  You can find me over at goatcheeseandgooberpeas.wordpress.com .  Sorry -- you'll have to cut and paste the web address into your browser from here.  The good news?  Stupid stuff like that will be no issue over at wordpress.    Talk to you soon.

trying

I was thinking about how my blogging has seemed to turn into one long story of sadness/frustration/anger (I don't know what you guys get from it -- half of what I think is on the blog is actually only posts I compose in my head!), and that can get really old.  This week, in particular, has seen my thoughts revolving around a couple pieces of news which have made me upset in the extreme.  Without going into detail, I will just say that I feel betrayed, in a way, even though the people in question have done nothing whatsoever to betray me.  It's complicated, and making me think a lot about who I have been, who I am now, and who I need to be.  

So, happier stuff!  

I finally got down to the basement today to tackle the MESS that's been there for months.  When we moved into this house in May, a lot of stuff ended up in the back porch/mudroom.  One day I got sick of being hardly able to move in there, and I cleaned and organized it...by moving most of the junk to the basement!  Tada -- the porch looked waaaaaayyy better!  But the basement has been ridiculous ever since.  Anyway, today I (we) finally got furniture scooted around to the correct rooms, old coats cleaned out of the closet (to donate to the Neighbour Center -- if you live in Edmonton, check out their wish list here:  http://www.dolikewisesociety.org/get-involved/), Goodwill donations boxed and bagged, miscellaneous stuff for hubs to sort set aside (he's gonna looooove that), and some thorough vacuuming done.  Whew!  The inspiration for finally accomplishing this task?  My mom is coming for a visit next week, and I did NOT want her to have to hang out in that chaos!  

We moved the TV from its inconvenient spot on the mantle several weeks ago, onto a kitschy old table that we found in the garage.  The positioning is much better, and the mantle will look MUCH better than it did, when I finally find some stuff to display.  However, the table is UGLY -- it needs a paint job and a new top.  Today on Facebook I saw a rustic coffee table by Goat River Folk Art (attention, Vanderhoof folks who can actually shop at her store!  Take advantage!), and I must show it to Mike for inspiration.  

*I really have to switch my blog -- xanga won't let my hyperlink anything anymore...or copy photos from the web...or do other fun stuff.*

I made stromboli last night for supper, and it was amazingly delicious -- the most successful stromboli I've ever made, I think.  Mike's was pepperoni-mushroom-mozza, and mine was spinach-olive-feta-mozza.  I made the dipping sauce way too garlicky, but it was wonderfully strong and burning on the palate!  Tomorrow we are having an evening together -- picking up munchies from the Italian Center, then eating the munchies AND roasted garlic AND a Glazed Apple Cream Pie (provided I have the energy to make it after work tomorrow) and hanging out.  I can't wait -- I do love to spend time with my man!  

On Sunday night, Goober finally agreed to kick while hubs had his hand on my belly!!  Poor Mike had been feeling left out, I think, because every time I told him to feel, GP would go all still.  I've gotta say, other than when I had the flu last week, I do enjoy feeling the tumbles in there...  

Oops, looks like it's only a few hours until I'm up for work, so I'd better scoot!

such a week

Man, this week I’ve had all kinds of things in my head to write, but I never found the time or energy to start.  Now that I do have that chance, I can’t quite remember what seemed to have such burning importance…

I do remember that Monday was a difficult day.  I had a regular Starbucks Monday (5:30-2:00), followed by an appointment with Dr. F at 3:00.  That meant leaving work a few minutes early, catching a couple of buses down to Millwoods (which included getting off at the wrong stop because I was unfamiliar with that bus route), quickly peeing in a cup, and finally seeing the doctor.  It was routine, nothing too unexpected:  Goober Pea’s heartbeat was 134 (wait, I THINK that’s right…but ‘baby brain’ has been making my thoughts a little murky), I measured as expected for my due date, and we chatted a little.  I asked him for his opinion on whether or not to have an amniocentesis, and he really didn’t sound too keen on it.  That, coupled with the fact that Dr. C at the perinatal clinic also didn’t sound like it would be all that useful, have made me basically decide that I won’t go for it.  (Having decisions made is nice.)  But then Dr. F looked at my chart and did the ‘So, we found something in your urine…’ thing, and to be honest, I REALLY DIDN’T WANT to hear anything – anything at all – negative at that time.  It’s not crazy serious (strep B), but he still put me on antibiotics just to be safe.  So I trudged back through the snow to the transit center, found out the bus I thought I could take all the way home was not in service, and hopped on one to the mall south of our place.  Then I decided to run in and see if the tights I wanted were still on sale at The Bay, only to realize that hosiery is on the third floor of The Bay, which is on the opposite side of the mall from me.  Needless to say, I got there and saw the wall of overwhelming tights choices…and phoned Mike to come pick me up.  No way was I making the bus I intended to catch, and staying there for an extra half hour was just too much to face.  Then I couldn’t find where Mike was parked, so by the time I finally got to the car I barely had to sit down and look at him before I was a big ol’ puddle of weepies. 

Hubs is the best: he drove me home and cooked our easiest (and terribly un-nutritious) supper of ‘smerokies’ – perogies with smokies, crowned with cheddar and sour cream.   I love that guy. 

Then, on Thursday at noon, I got sick.  It was just queasiness during the afternoon, and I made it through two lessons.  Five o’clock rolled around with me trying to decide if cancelling evening lessons was just me being wimpy or a legitimate business decision.  The faintness started, and just as I was looking up the phone number for my evening students to make the ‘I’m cancelling lessons tonight’ call…I had to make a run for it.   I hadn’t puked in so long I had forgotten how much better you feel afterward (!).  Needless to say, however, I did make that call.  Good thing, too, because a mere two hours later, there I was heaving again.   Work the next morning was not especially pleasant, although I do have great partners to make life more manageable.  But this whole time, the thought running through my head was, ‘What in the world do those women who go through sickness like this for months during pregnancy do??’  How are they not forced to quit their jobs?  I’m fortunate that I have some flexibility in my work, between being self-employed and working in the service industry.  So, THANK YOU, God, for blessing me with health and comfort during this journey.

Lows of this week:

• Feeling an overwhelming sense of being SO UPSET about life right now
• Miserable sickness
• Worrying about the future – specifically, work

Highs of this week:

• Having hubs take care of me – making me dinner, driving me around, massaging my tight shoulders and neck
• Coffee with hubs today at Wild Earth, where we talked about baby things and made a very important decision (!)
• My students on both Tuesday and Thursday bringing family members who shoveled our snow during lessons

taking time

This morning, as I looked at my floor which is in need of a once-over with the vacuum cleaner, and my bathroom sink which sports a dusting of whiskers, a poem came to mind:

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow,

For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs

Dust, go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.  

I know that, for most mothers, this poem refers to the rapid changing of babies into toddlers, toddlers to pre-schoolers, etc.  For me, it is different; knowing that I have only a finite amount of time to marvel in the tumbling, kicking, and punching of this little boy in my womb...knowing that, once my tummy has returned to a more ordinary shape after Goober's birth, I probably won't rejoice in the fact as I would if I were holding him in my arms...looking at my pregnancy app and seeing that I have only '127 days to go!' (that's supposed to ring of cheeriness, but...).  

So for today, I will take the opportunity to sit with my cup of decaf and think about my son, and write about him, and read, as he hangs out in the safety and warmth of my body.   

dreams

Is it common that, during pregnancy, you begin to have crazy dreams?  The last few nights have been full of odd ones, to say the least.  Perhaps that's why I keep waking up WAY too early, wide awake.  I hope this is a phase that passes, like when I had to pee in the middle of the night every night.  

I spent last Friday-Monday on a little getaway with my girlfriends, Stacey and Skye (and Skye's 5-month-old, Brayden) in Osoyoos.  We try to make it an annual event, and since starting the tradition 5 years ago, we've managed to do 3 weekends away and 1 day trip.  Not bad, I'd say.  Anyway, Skye was very anxious prior to the trip, thinking that maybe it would be too hard for me to spend that concentrated time around a small baby.  I really didn't think it would be a problem, and it was as I expected -- no particularly strong emotions about my whole situation.  It was fun to see the little guy, though.    The more difficult part, actually, is seeing other pregnant women.  Shopping malls are the worst; do you have any idea how many preggos hang out at the mall??  I have a few friends who are pregnant right now, as well -- 2 long-distance friends, 1 who is part of the same church as us -- and I have a feeling it's going to be really hard to see them with their little ones who are all due within about a month of me.  Pam, Adrianne, and Tabby, if you are reading this, please don't feel bad or decide to cut off contact at any point; I will just have to learn how to walk through the grief, and the resentment or anger or self-pity or whatever else comes along.  

Through this whole time, I am constantly being reminded that I am not the only one who has lost a child or is facing serious health problems with a child.  There is Alexis of Wanted, Chosen, Planned (www.wantedchosenplanned.com)...Laura of Working Wonder Mom (www.workingwondermom.com)...Amy of Mending Hearts and Bending Knees (www.mendingheartsandbendingknees.blogspot.ca)...and Nicole (Skye's long-time friend, who just lost her baby girl during delivery less than 2 weeks ago) of The Journey I Never Expected to Walk as a Mommy (www.thejourneyineverexpected.blogspot.ca).  And these are just the ones I've heard of through friends -- there are also a surprising number of people who have had friends, family, or co-workers who have given birth to a baby with anencephaly or some other life-preventing brain deformity.  It is truly wonderful to live in the era I do, where information is passed so freely and openly and where communication and choice are so much different than they were, even in the '80s when I was born.  I am thankful for all of the resources at my fingertips.  

Thanks to all of you who have been in touch; I am overwhelmed by the number of people who are continually thinking of and praying for our little family of three...